My First Withdrawal – Completely Blindsided
When I was 20, I was placed on an SNRI called Effexor because I was having increased anxiety and episodes of moderate depression. After dealing with the side effects for about a month, I stopped taking it. This is what happened when I stopped:
- I couldn’t fully tell if I was dreaming, or awake, when I was awake.
- I didn’t feel “in control” of my actions. This caused a lot of fear and anxiety.
- I felt the need to “run away” and drove from Minneapolis, MN to Des Moines, IA before I “woke up” and wondered what the heck I was doing.
- I felt I was watching myself from a distance, and I was unable to think clearly or make any decisions that felt like myself.
I met with the psychiatrist about this, and explained all that was happening. But instead of being told it was a medication discontinuation reaction, I was given a diagnosis of bipolar type 2 with dissociative tendencies. I specifically asked if this was due to discontinuing the drug, and was told absolutely not, that this was just a re-emergence of symptoms of a mental condition I already had. It was just “coincidence”.
Gaslighting
My life basically fell apart for two years after this. I was switched from drug do drug, and given more and more diagnoses, which required more medication to manage, all while being told it wasn’t the medication causing my issues, it was just because I was at the age when these issues start showing up. At a certain point I was put in an intensive daily group therapy program, and placed on disability. I was told it was just my brain acting up because of all the abuse from childhood I hadn’t dealt with and suppressed. When I mentioned what happened to me after stopping the SNRI in a group session, to my surprise two other women excitedly spoke up saying “This is EXACTLY what happened to me, too!” but the therapist quickly corrected our thinking, stating that it wasn’t the drug that caused what happened, and told us not to speak negatively about medications that are saving the lives of others in the group. When you’re told something by “experts”, even when it’s contrary to what you feel you know in your core, eventually self doubt takes hold and you just submit to their belief. This is what I went through for two years until eventually I really didn’t care if I lived or died, I just wanted off medication even if I lost my mind and took my own life in the process. I was done being a full-time patient, unable to work or function. That wasn’t “living” to me.
My Second Withdrawal
At this point I maintained my medical appointments, and I refilled my prescriptions, but I weaned myself off of all drugs in secret. I knew my psychiatrist wouldn’t be okay with it, and I was scared of being talked out of it or being locked up in a psychiatric ward. At the time, I was on an SSRI, Adderall, and a benzodiazepine. Quitting Adderall was fairly easy (which is supposed to be a highly addictive drug). I was just tired and unmotivated for a while after stopping cold turkey. Quitting the benzo was a little more difficult. I couldn’t sleep and my anxiety went through the roof (more on this later), but I was able to stop cold turkey and power through the next few weeks until I stabilized. However, the drug that was supposed to not have any withdrawal and be the easiest and safest to discontinue, once again, brought me the most pain and suffering. Things I experienced for the better part of 6 months while weaning/stopping my SSRI:
- Brain zaps
- I didn’t know this was a withdrawal symptom at the time, so I went to an urgent care doctor regarding them and he diagnosed me with acute vertigo and put me on medication for that. It did nothing.
- Severe depression
- Not the kind where you are sobbing and sad, but the kind where you don’t have the ability to feel anything good. I remember thinking someone could literally hand me a million dollars, and I wouldn’t be able to feel excited or good about it. This kind of depression really sucks. I prefer the kind where you can feel something, even if that something is sadness. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. This is the kind of depression where people will start cutting themselves, or engage in risky or impulsive behavior. It’s all in an effort to feel. At the time, I really thought if this was how I was going to feel (unless I was on medications with side effects for the rest of my life), I had no interest in continuing to live. I kept thinking “I did the right thing. I reached out for help, and went on medications. And since that didn’t work and my life fell apart due to it, then I am without hope of ever feeling better.” The only reason I survived this was because I had a sliver of hope that psychiatry was wrong. That how I felt would be temporary, and it was due to withdrawal and side effects, not my brain.
- Inability to sleep
- Heightened anxiety/feeling of dread that was always there.
- Headache, body aches, feverish feeling, and debilitating fatigue.
Back to Baseline
Eventually, and slowly, the withdrawal symptoms got better. I felt like I started to “wake up” and be myself again. The person I was before I started my first psychiatric drug, Effexor. The previous two years were really blurry. It was like I was looking back on different person, or time period so far in the past I could barely recall it. I still struggled with anxiety and depression (because I did before starting Effexor, which was not medication induced), but I was able to feel some good in between “episodes”. Death stopped seeming like the only solution to the torture. The episodes eventually started getting further and further apart. At this point I knew I had been knowingly or unknowingly lied to about withdrawal. I knew these medications were causing some severe symptoms when on them and even more when quitting them. Even if it was something that happened only to me, I knew to my core that I was right. My trust in psychiatric doctors and medications entirely disappeared. How could all of these experts gotten it so incredibly wrong to the point where I no longer wanted to live? I stayed clear of any medications for the next 4-5 years (more on why I tried them again later).
The Biggest Takeaways
“The only thing that doesn’t change, is change itself.”
- Never give up hope! I often imagine what would have happened if I had 100% believed what the experts told me, and lost hope of things ever getting better. I would have died in my early 20s. I wouldn’t have the life I have now, and my children wouldn’t have existed. Sure, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I can also manage it and have an actual life in co-existance with it that is fullfilling. Things are always changing. Even if you currently feel (or actually are) helpless, there is always hope, and change will never stop changing.
- Listen to yourself. If you are sure about something going on within yourself after starting or stopping any medication, don’t allow other people to tell you that you’re wrong. Find someone who will truly listen to you and take you seriously.
- No matter what anyone says, SSRI/SNRI’s can have severe withdrawal symptoms. More and more medical professionals are admitting this, and weaning protocols now exist to help aid the process.
- How you feel during withdrawal is NOT how you will feel forever! If you are going through the discontinuation process, ask yourself this: “Do I feel worse than how I felt before starting this medication?” If the answer is “yes”, you are likely experiencing temporary withdrawal effects. You will eventually go back to your baseline.
- Never, ever make permanent decisions while discontinuing any psychiatric drug! I cannot stress this one enough. You are not really you. Don’t do something you might regret later. You will not feel like you do forever. It is temporary, even when it doesn’t feel temporary.